After the long run. I think that’s the deal, right? We forgot to stop running. It’s as if we got past the danger and forgot to stop running ~ on the inside. I remember the day well. I felt like Forest Gump. I stood there and looked around and could see my reality as it truly was for the first time. It was as if the need to run just stopped. Now what?
The danger was long past, yet I had lived my life as if it were right on my heels ready to gobble me up at any moment. I could finally see clearly the repeating patterns in conversations and behaviors. “Why didn’t you tell me?” My story came out when I was 17 ~ most of it. In the closet for 17 years and out for 35. For all of you out there hitting this wall here is what I want to share with you. When the courage was finally mustered to to tell what happened the next day, the day after or the day after that. 35 years of nothing. What would have been different had I talked a year sooner? Two years. Would there have just been a few more piled on to the 35 years of nothing? Thats really it right What actions were taken? None. Sound familiar?
Personally I spent 35 years in the same conversation. Trying to explain my experiences, my pain. I wanted so desperately to see understanding in the eyes of those I loved. I was all tangled in the need for what was supposed to be. It felt as if there were a two way mirror between us. I could see and hear them, but they could not, or chose, not to see me. I left each discussion in the same exact point as where I began. Back at square one. Not seen and not heard.
I felt invisible.
The definition of insanity… doing the same thing over and over and expect different results. But we forgive. At least that’s what we call it and we go in again. Sound familiar?
“Love and honor your parents”. A child starts each day in a state of forgiveness. Each and everyday they have forgiven the indiscretions of the day before. They come to the breakfast table with a smile and the actions of the day before long gone. There does come a point where Universal Law requires “them” to take action. Forgiveness is a two part process. Forgiveness for us is being open to the possibility for others to make different choices. We remove the need for their acceptance. The ball is their court… their choice. It is our responsibility to move out of the way of the swinging door.
I know we hear a lot of talk about boundaries. That is not what I am talking about here. We have enough walls. I am talking about integrity. Your personal integrity. I am talking about standing tall and strong in your truth no matter who is in the room. When in our integrity… what we think, what we speak and what we do are in alignment… We can’t be derailed. Their words, their denial, their choices can’t take us down the rabbit hole. I like to think of true forgiveness like Dumbledore’s pensive. You can poke your head in and remember, but “there” is not where you live.
In your next meditation let’s put this picture to ponder.
See your self swimming in a body of water. Let’s pay attention to the quality of the water is it turkey is it rocky. How do you feel? Tired? Exhilarated? Do you feel comfortable? Uncomfortable? I want you to really tune into your state of body and mind as you see your self swimming in the water. Are you afraid? Wary of what else is in the water?
A light catches your eye at the surface of the water and you follow it up. As you break through… the water filters from your nose and you take a long deep breath. As you look around you realize what you thought was the ocean is just a pond. Land is near on all sides. Stagnation and perch replace the sharks and waves. You realize that you have been swimming around and around in a circle. Your feet could touch bottom all along. You rise up and walk out of the water in what ever direction you choose!