I often hear women say they have trust issues.
As is our nature, especially women of childhood trauma, we turn the looking glass on ourselves and strive to carry the whole load.
I have trust issues.
If you hear a voice inside yourself that queries, “can I trust you?” I would like to offer a different perspective. Maybe, just maybe, your intuition rings loud and true.
Maybe this lack of trust is a warning.
If we hold to be true that “like attracts like”…we know that we have default programming from childhood. Thoughts become molecules …we have establish that life happens where you look. Where thought goes, energy follows. I can go on and on. Right?
I would like to propose that it holds true when turned toward trust as well, giving us a look at the other side of the coin. Those of us that would claim to have trust issues didn’t just wake up one day and decide not to trust. No, we encountered a situation or a series of situations, which were not handled properly or not handled at all. Someone of importance was not trustworthy. I don’t even like the word trustworthy because that places judgment …but maybe they weren’t standing in their integrity. Their words and actions didn’t match up, and/or they made some really bad choices concerning your welfare.
If there was corruption in your nest, or within a close proximity, it isn’t as if you have been surrounded by people standing in their highest and best. There were people crossing lines, people watching, people covering it up — insert your story here– but in the end the vibration of the whole was not exactly elevating.
Our circle beginning with our parents moves out to include siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and so on. Depending on where the crossed lines fall within that progression of importance, within our community, translates directly to the level of dissidence in the vibrations. The whole is affected.
It’s like someone in an orchestra hitting a wrong note. Everyone else may keep right on playing but the off note dominates and pulls down the vibration of the whole experience. The other musicians are overcompensating trying to cover it up. It may throw the whole thing off and possibly cause others to trip up as well in another area. Much like secrets and denial.
There is a vibration and frequency that hums within a family.
We leave our home …we can move across the country… you still vibrate the same. You are going to attract someone who vibrates similar to your community.
We are moving from a paradigm where we went along to get along. We sacrificed our integrity, our identity and our bodies, in many cases, to get along with people.
In the healing process we are striving to raise our vibration, which translates to changing our game or showing up differently and attracting a community of people who will support and elevate you.
As you rise, so does the quality of people moving in and out of your bubble. Surprisingly trust issues diminish. Is that because you healed or is it because the people around you are different? The two, in my opinion, walk hand in hand.
From whatever level of recovery we are moving through, be it at the bottom rung… sexual abuse and moving on up the the ladder, it is important to be aware of the company we choose to keep.
We each have a happiness set point which defines our expectations… What do you require to be happy? Well there are many of us out there that require very little and likewise expect very little.
Happiness is a fleeting concept. Our expectations of family and relationship in general is pretty low. We carry the responsibility to keep the relationship alive at all costs. This is very similar. We learned to stop listening to that inner compass long ago. That little voice that yells danger. The ground is moving here. We learned to stifle it because we had no physical means to change or eliminate the situation. We had no way to remove ourselves or the other person from our environment.
Those of us who are climbing out of childhood stuff lived life in incongruence. What is fine today, may be disastrous tomorrow. There are no mental strategies to create here. We live on the fly learning to read and assess quickly. To get along in our lives, we have had numerous conversations with ourselves that sound something like:
“I know but then they won’t like me any more.”
“I know, but he didn’t mean it.”
“I know but if I hadn’t done…”
We learn to stop listening. It never stops talking, we just stop listening.
What if our trust issues have less to do with our trust of others and more about trusting in ourselves. Trusting in our inner guidance. We argue with it. We explain it away. We are always making compromises with it. We may take the advice halfway. All because we don’t want to make the necessary choices. Or we go against it completely and choose to surround ourselves with the same people over and over again.
“I have trust issues.” Please remove that from your declarations. If it enters, press delete and ask the question:
Is my concern founded in truth?
Remember if the answer comes before you finish posing the question your intuition is talking… otherwise your mind is playing with you.
We are all riding the same bus, we just got on at different times. Some of us have taken a few different side trips so we make our choices without the judgment of others. Instead of thinking “trustworthy,” let’s think in the terms of congruence, integrity… you are approaching with awareness. You are listening to your inner compass. Are their words and their actions matching up? Words are a sub-form of communication. They mean nothing without action behind them. Assess whats around you.
“BAD COMPANY CORRUPTS GOOD CHARACTER.” 1 Corinthians 15:33
You know those times when you are sure, that no matter what, you are not going to be sucked into something as simple as gossiping, or as difficult as alcohol, and you leave the situation with your will in your pocket?
These situations are sticky. It is easy to get sucked back into the old paradigm or default especially in dealing with behaviors that go back to childhood.
“HE WHO WALKS WITH THE WISE GROWS WISE, BUT A COMPANION OF FOOLS SUFFERS HARM” Proverbs 13:20
Change can’t happen with all of the same scenery. It is our nature to shy away from change. Good, bad, or indifferent, change is uncomfortable, so it is important to not cave to the urge to reach back and pull people or situations back into your bubble. Allow yourself some space, without judgment, to digest the moving pieces and give the dust time to settle before you make any declarations around what is good or bad.
This is a point when I warn fellow travelers…. keep your arms inside the boat.
We can encounter a struggle here between wanting to carry on with the illusion or the idea of what we wish were true and digesting the discrepancies between the idea and the truth.
We are elevating the game. Right? People that LOVE kickball aren’t often interested in playing chess. If they do great. If not, their choice. No judgment either way.
Next time that little voice is yelling at you stop and ask yourself…
Is my concern founded in truth?