Parent child the most sacred contract we are ever to enter.

The most sacred of boundaries we have as human beings… our sexuality.

I wandered through the last few years in search of something… some small piece of truth that I could use to begin unraveling this web of lies, deceit, and the detour from decency. What I kept bumping up against was that childhood sexual abuse was put into the same category as single event traumas. Such as rape…

imgresRape ~ the abduction of a woman, especially for the purpose of having sexual intercourse with her. ~ Woman… There are so many heinous  crimes committed against women. When we push it back and those same crimes are committed against a child… the perp her father or uncle. A way of life verses and event. The adults happiness set point already in place… the child’s is still forming.

Childhood sexual abuse… We can’t even really define it… yet it is affecting 1 in 3 little girls and 1 in 5 little boys daily. It is affecting every second of every day of their very long life… Maybe 90 to 100 years. They either spend those years in pain struggling to free themselves or they repeat the acts that created them… created their normal. We don’t look there. We hide our eyes.

As human beings we categorize…  So we lump this in with what we as adults can relate to. Rape. The same… yet different.

images-1These kids have to get up the next morning and have breakfast with their rapist… knowing that it’s going to happen again. These kids are often violated by those they love and trust the most. The closer into their circle of “safety” the connection… the more discolored the lens with which they see. We move in from the camp counselor… priest… uncle… step dad… dad. When the abuse is happening in the home there is nowhere to turn. They are property of their abusers.

These kids? Like a flower trying to grow in a brier patch. They reach for any ray of light they can find often twisting and contorting… their roots close to the cracked surface of the earth… easily scorched. Sometimes they even shine on the outside… but their inner structure is weak and fragile. Things are lacking… Their will strong. Their self-doubt and loathing often stronger.

images-19So say we have a young girl, nine or ten. She lives in a home where things aren’t right. Lots of fighting… lots of hitting… maybe some touching. She gets very few rays of light coming her way. Then Uncle Johnny begins paying attention to her. He takes her for ice cream… He listens to her stories… shows interest in her likes and dislikes. What makes her smile… what makes her upset. He watches closely to see how far she can be pushed… or trusted. Our little secret. He is very aware of the self-doubt in place by the turmoil at home. He steps into that daddy role easily. She trusts him. Then the ugly stuff starts. She doesn’t want him to go away… It is perfect outside of the touching. Her body betrays her… Her body reacts in a pleasurable way, conflicting with her mind. Her throat clamps down tight on all the words she needs to say. She is left to live in a place of incongruence. Often from the time she can remember. So when they are touching her and her body starts to tingle she creates a strategy to thwart any pleasure… say monsters. The monsters are scary and infiltrate her mind’s eye. Tingles turn to fear. The innermost structure that makes us human thrown off-balance without ever knowing what balance feels like. We take a step further in and there’s daddy. Where do you go when it’s daddy standing in that role of dictator rapist. He has so much power and dominion… he holds all of the cards. He really doesn’t have to put on the nice show. I equate it to their personal concentration camp. Where are you to go? This person… in charge of your food… water… shelter… possibly breath.

images-18Fear and or loathing replaces the vaguest impression of intimacy…

Our entire existence… our whole social structure is centered around our sexuality. Through this pairing of two beings intimacy and love are explored.

Nearly half of our population is beginning this journey off kilter… to put it mildly. Their view of sexual intimacy devalued. The thought of sex, separate from our humanness. Many step back not wanting to have anything to do with the monsters… Don’t want to let them out of their quiet space. Steer clear of sex… steer clear of the monsters. The others… they have learned to separate themselves. Detach completely. They dive in with a compulsion… maybe make their living giving the very thing that was taken from them. Why not… its already tarnished. Maybe now playing the role of the strong one… the thief that stole their innocence… either by taking whats not theirs or by playing the game in the bedroom. In any case a far cry from what we like to think of as…

Yet here we are. Many of us. From here we work to build a life. The most integral stone of our foundation askew.

imagesThey… generally go free. Rarely carry their burden a day. They live their lives free of the chains they have wrapped around us. They become successful in their given fields… and we stand by and watch… broken… as they shine… or hurt others. Our throats clamped tight.

 

Woody Allen… Roman Polanski… Jerry Lee Lewis…

And we… as a country that claims to know God… wonder what to do?

Here are a few of my thoughts… Yours?

 

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