We all have been taught to give. We have been taught to be nice. But what about receiving? The ‘they’ that give us information on ‘what is’ tell us that our brain takes in 200 billion bits of information per second, while the average brain can only process 40. I like to compare this to emails. We quickly get in the habit of scanning through and opening emails from the same senders over and over, while many others go untouched. The information in the 40 emails is the information with which we see the world… or lens so to speak.
Through my studies, I have realized about myself that with the whole of my attention on my pain, pain was all I could feel off of others as well. Pain. That’s all I saw when I walked outside of my house. That is all I felt when someone touched me. That’s all I saw when I looked into the eyes of another. Pain. The lens through which I experienced the world.
I was receiving alright but…
Now, was this attention on the pain and discrepancies necessary while I was growing up? Absolutely. It kept me from being pulled entirely down the rabbit hole with my parents and our lineage of alcohol and violence and most importantly the “acceptance”. It kept me aware of the potential of my harming someone else. I never wanted to make anyone feel what it felt like to be me. Invisible, worthless, erasable. On the flip side, it kept me very connected to what I call God. I had nothing or no one else to trust or depend on.
Deepak Chopra said to me once, “Pain happens but suffering is a choice.” I was speechless. I didn’t choose this. Yet, his next question, “When was the last time you were hurt?” Hit me like a ton of bricks.
Wow, right? I was sixteen when I had the means to make different choices. Timing aligned with courage, and I was able to put a stop to the physical part of the pain. The suffering took over from there. For the next thirty years, I suffered. I wanted so desperately for the idea in my head to match the reality of my family. More than anything on the planet, I wanted my mother to look me in the eye and tell me she was sorry for her lack of attention and her acceptance of my fate.
I wanted her to put me first. I wanted a mom who I could count on. I wanted a mom who would fight for me… not the other way around.
Instead, I struggled. My attention carved definite edges around each story as I plead for her to understand and cross over to my side. The more I spoke of the events that caused the pain, the more I tried to convince her that it mattered, the more solid the events became in my current world. I couldn’t see or appreciate the life that I was actually living.
From the outside, my inner and outer world belonged to two different people. In my outer world, I was seen as a successful business owner. I was seen as strong, self sufficient and self contained. I had two beautiful daughters who, in spite of my suffering, were doing life well. I had an amazing man at my side. Financially, we had no worries… and yet.
I was miserable. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t accept it in. There was no route. It hadn’t been constructed yet. Think about that. Research now has proven that our basic programing, the lens we see life through, is complete by the age of two. TWO. By the age of two, I was well aware that people could be only trusted up to a point, enough to get along. I knew all too personally that death wasn’t really scary. The scary part was living.
I had felt fleeting moments of happiness… but joy????
I share this to make a point. Those first two years are ours ladies. We are the ones that are responsible for the lens. We have the child in our womb and from there to our breast.
“She did the best she could.”
How many of you have made this comment? How many of us have heard this excuse from the mouths of our own mothers? We all make choices. For whatever reason, she made hers. Were these choices made with your best interest in mind? Or were these choices made out of fear?
Be empowered by these truths to keep these words out of the mouths of your children!
Now a grandmother of one and one on the way, I would love to say I was a great mom, but we all have times when we wish we would have made different choices. We are human… perfection is not the answer. There are times when we respond with our stress. There are times when we raise our voice out of overwhelm. There are times when we say things that we wish we could take back. I look back over my time with my girls and if given the opportunity there are many things I would shift and change. So for Mom to say “she did the best she could” or “ there is nothing I would change”… Really?
Now I am not talking blame here. What I am aiming at is truth and responsibility. It is a child’s nature to scoop up responsibility and become super protective of Mom. We stand in for her and fight her fight. What? We have a grown woman who has chosen to have children. She chose every day for nine months to be your mother. She has the legal right to change that if she wants to, each and every day, and yet, she allows the child to be her protector.
Now to be clear. We as women have fought tooth and nail to have dominion over life. We have won the right to make the choices that we feel right for this life and for ourselves. We can decide if we are ready for the responsibility that goes along with being a mother. Our strongest argument through this fight is that it is our body… our choice. Well, there are always two sides to every coin ladies. If we gain the solitary right over ending life does that not also give us dominion over the life that we choose to keep? We can’t have it both ways. Each and every day we are choosing to grow life. Each and every day we give it nourishment and safety and say yes to the responsibility that is necessary. We are the cocoon. Our responsibility doesn’t just melt away because the life takes a breath. How much more vulnerable is that creature without the protection of your womb?
Those first two years are ours. If they had been meant for dad, he would have milk flowing from his body as well. Right?
So as we work through the tangles of our individual stories, this distinction is important so that we don’t make the same mistakes. Being a human is about evolution. Each generation picks up where we left off by gleaning knowledge from our mistakes and making different choices. I love watching my daughter’s mothering build and grow from the foundation I had built. Some things kept, some things discarded. Her style the same, but different. And no matter what we want, no matter what TV gives us, the first two years are mom’s. The relationship with mom is an internal relationship. You have been of one body for nine months. It is amazing to see the voice recognition with dad and the touch recognition but at the same time their hearts have not beat as one. The have not breathed as one. It is an external relationship. If the seed takes hold?
Our children are our children.
In this day of convenience and information, we all know the cause. We all know of the numerous ways to keep life from taking hold, so we can still have our fun. We all know that if an accident occurs, we have the morning after pill. We all know that, ultimately, we have numerous opportunities to thwart conception in the first place before ever going to the extreme. So for a life to get through all of that is a miracle and a choice. Making no choice is sometimes the biggest choice we will ever make.
Again to be clear, I am in no way diminishing the responsibility of Dad’s role in the child making and rearing. What I am trying to do is elevate woman’s. In this conversation of responsibility I am in no way commenting on what is and isn’t the role of man! That is his to reconcile with the powers to be, instead my attention is on us!
Women! To step into the place of leadership in the eyes of our children. I am asking us collectively to make the choice of creating life with clarity and purpose.
From this objective place of truth, we can turn our periscope inward and outward. We learn, and most importantly, free others by releasing our secrets, opening to our blindspots, and shouldering our responsibilities. Ours, not everybody else’s. In this space, we aren’t being nagged by the discrepancies between truth and illusion. (anxiety lives here) Here, where thought, word, and action are one, ( pssst… no matter who is in the room) we find joy.
We are called in this present age to shine up the lens we see the world through and be purposeful in creating the lens for our children… 100 years is a long time.
Healing the world is ours to do… We have created everyone here!