When our awareness moves away from victimhood or struggle towards “Show me how”, the Universe shows up to meet us! When we are standing in victimhood or survivor space we have our attention focused out and in at the same time, in a weird way. While on one hand every sentence expressed has an “I” in it with a “so and so” did this to “me” on the other we acquiesce, we play nice. But we search our environment for validation. This is typical behavior for those dealing with trauma from abuse. We have allowed our abusers to own our identity. Unless we choose to reclaim ourselves, and move past our abuse, nothing has room to change. We do that by being aware of how we are showing up, where we are allowing others to make our choices for us, when our voice is silenced.
Unless we choose to reclaim ourselves nothing has room to change. When do we choose?
I mean… let me tell on myself here. It hasn’t been that long ago that I was sure that everything that happened in my life was with intent and purpose. My city was against me. My friends turned against me. My family was always against me; at least my nest family. Victim… that was me. The ones I created were on my side sometimes, but I could find ways to alienate them as well. Still stuck as the little girl who was suffering from abuse.
Until the day when the concept was finally hammered in a way that stuck. I have a choice. The actual pain of what happened to me happened a long time ago. I can choose to let my suffering take center stage, or I can learn to experience something new and different. Claiming the, “yeah buts” as truth, just gave me excuses to be angry and assign blame to everyone… but ME!
What was true was that this state of victim/survivor gave me permission to NOT shoulder responsibility for my choices, or most importantly the lack thereof. I had to take a hard look at myself and how I was showing up in the struggles I was experiencing. Today I have a choice. I have a choice of what type of people are in my life; I don’t have to allow people who are emotionally abusive, physically abusive, or sexually abusive into my life. I don’t even have to allow negative people in my life. Today I can choose what is acceptable to me, and what I am willing to compromise on. Today I get to choose what I believe, and where I would like my life to take me.
I didn’t have any idea how to incorporate or integrate these thoughts into the action of my life, but what I did know was that the only one that could do it is me.
So the only thing I knew to do was to observe me. And try to do it without judgement. Observe what energies I was bringing to situations whose outcome had made me uncomfortable. Was I defensive? Was I combative? Was I swallowing back my words? Now in these days this was happening in big ways. My nest family was rebelling against the release of my story Junebug. So with each explosion I would sit in meditation and observe myself. I observed my behavior through the lens of change. How could I have shown up differently. I observed myself showing up in my shy childlike form. Acting as if I had no idea what I wanted, and no voice at all really. No wonder I was angry… at myself. Those tendencies bring us back to a victim mentality.
The definition of insanity: “To expect a new and different outcome from the same action.“
I had to do something different if I wanted to see something different.
So the thought was super overwhelming. I was entrenched in patterns with these people. Some lifetime patterns. It was like changing one gear in the workings of a clock, and not expecting each gear to rebel against the change in shape.
So what held me in place? The fear. Some of them may not want to change too.
So I skirted around until I had the clarity to really declare my want in the situation. My uncompromising want. The piece that would bring integrity to the circumstance in my eyes.
That is it. That is the nugget of this piece… clarity.
If you don’t know what you want, no one else can know.
When we have grown up in a stress ridden home, there is constant want and disappointment around your needs being met. Right?
So we have our current wants and needs, or choices stacking up on top of a lifetime of unfulfilled wants. Too many choices. So we make none. Overwhelm keeps us in a state of reaction. We feel the world pressing in and all we want to do is run or hide. Even in the hiding we run on the inside. Our heart is pounding just as if we were thrown back to the time when scary was real. But there’s no abuser now. It’s not real.
Waiting for your knight in shining armor to come and save you? Me too.
Well you know what? It doesn’t work. It doesn’t really matter how wonderful the guy; you won’t even be able to see him. The tangles of the stories take over and engulf him in your past.
I love how this works. The internet is a small time mimic to the Universal internet.
You just have to choose to connect.
There is really no great mystery around this. Our world has wrapped this tool up in many packages but the truth is… take your ear plugs out… leave your phone in the car… and spend some time outside. Between the negative ions from the water, and the microorganisms playing with our gut creating happy belly, and then we have the magic of trees. All of this woven together is the biggest serotonin uptake there is. So make time for some of nature’s stillness. Inside outside… sitting or standing… eyes open or eyes closed… Just be quiet!
Now you pose a question.
Who am I?
This is a biggie even for those whose childhood was childlike. Who are you outside of the stories you have heard about yourself (these are from the perception of another so they may not even be true). The stories constructed by family and friends, the collective stories that we have chosen to be a part of, we live buried underneath all of that. But for those of us who have morphed into what was necessary to survive, our identity was packed away a long time ago, right along with our wants and needs. Who we were didn’t really work in the home we found ourselves in. Our energies were always out in front of us trying to usurp the danger. Right? So this is a coming home for us. Who are you beyond the labels above your head, or how much money you make, or the car you drive, or the mean degrading words that roam around your head. Who is behind all of that. The you that pushes you to get up in the morning? That is the you that is always there… standing still… waiting.
What do I want?
So here is the thing. Give yourself permission. It is okay for you to want. It is okay for you to have desires. When we begin to focus our attention on our wants they begin to start showing up. But way too often I find that when I ask someone what they want, they usually shrug their shoulders and say they don’t know; or I never really thought about it. Then I come back with, “Well think about it now.” From here I get some overarching thought like happiness, or health for their families. All great thoughts, but what would make you happy?
People still suffering with an abuse victim mentality, we can really struggle with this. It’s okay to make yourself happy. It’s about clarity… because if you don’t know, no one else is going to know. What would bring you joy. Where attention goes energy follows, so throw your awareness into the go bucket and spend some energy in knowing what you like… what sort of work you want to do?
Why am I here?
So this is one I have asked myself since I can remember. When you know by the age of 6 months that you are unwanted and alone, the question “Why am I here”, reverberates through your head 24/7. When life starts from a place like that, you see things from a different perspective. You figure there had to be a pretty good reason for me to have landed in the middle of such a crazy situation. Why am I here? What is it that I came here to do? Well stop searching and stand still for a minute. When we are working within our service we don’t feel tired. Work is not a word you attach to something that you love. So the question becomes, “Who am I here to serve?”
How am I showing up?
Well here is where we get stuck. We want to focus outward but the only thing in our control is how we show up. Making a new and different choice, makes space for a new and different outcome. If we choose. But to choose we have to see. So let me introduce you to the observer. The observer is that part of yourself that is just watching and recording. There is no attachment to how things turn out. There is no need to win or be right. So when you enter meditation, or your still time outside, ask to observe a recent situation through the eyes of the observer. This is done with the focus on you. We want to know what choice you could have made differently to create change. If we want something new and different we have to do something different. So you have to see yourself in truth. We ask to see only truth. Truth has no emotional charge. It just is.
The treasure hunt begins! Changing You Changes Everything!
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