You know the first time I heard that healing was a choice, I thought I was going to come unglued. It’s not like you can just quit your family or your husband or your child. Or like you can just forget what those men did to you when you were a little girl. The injustices go on. Family for many… and from there the ripple bleeds out.
It’s not like I needed help to give up smoking… although I did. Or… decide to not have that inward burning to be seen and heard. How can a child keep away the predators? How to I decide to not have this deep underlying fear?
How do I shift that inner dialogue whose story reads?… “The other half of the world got the biggest, most juicy piece of the pie, while I was left with the crumbs. And here I stand desperately trying to put my little pile of crumbs together in a way that I can trick myself into thinking that I have a piece just like everyone else.”
Life sucks way deep on the inside and what “happened” to me is the reason. I hung on to this thought desperately.
I worked my way up to the microphone, my knees shaking. I couldn’t stay in my seat and not say to these people, they had to understand, that child abuse is different. When the crazy starts when you are so little, it has to be different. There is nothing that you could do. The child is the victim. They have to go along to get along. They have to be compliant much of the time to keep breathing… They learn how to become invisible. How could he understand? The more I spoke, the stronger my voice came. He sat in his unassuming, non-threatening way. Eyes focused intently on mine.
Then the question came…
Deepak Chopra says to me, “When was the last time your life was in danger?”
I was speechless. I hadn’t been hurt by another human being in any sort of physical way since I was 16. My brain didn’t know what to do with the question. I lived each and every day as if the hurt happened that morning. I suffered.
I couldn’t accept it.
He says gently… “Pain happens… suffering is a choice. You don’t have to hurt anymore.”
He spoke with such compassion but with an edge of firmness.
“But what happens when we go home and no one understands. They want us to be the same.”
It was big. All I could do is shake my head indicating that I was connecting dots in my head and beginning to understand the gravity of those three little words… freedom of choice.
That was the moment when I was stopped in my tracks. Running is a choice. Stopping is a choice. Turning around is a choice. I left the hall and went outside. Feet bare in the grass and stood there. Is this real? All I have to do is stop? Let the ball drop. What if they think? What if they are angry? What if Grandma… up there… is angry?
When you stop and think about it, every move you make… every thought… every action. Every word you speak from this point on is your responsibility.
Once the gravity sinks in, the crazier it all seems. If it weren’t them… if that word “love” or parents or brothers or sisters… (you get my point) on every level, we are choosing. And sometimes in making no choice, we are making the biggest choices of all. In these moments, we are handing our power over to someone else. We are giving them free reign with “OUR” bucket of choices. As with most creatures, they return to the spot where they are used to feeding. Again with the choices… You Can Move. Just step aside.
It takes diligence to stay conscious and stay with this. It takes learning to still your mind and begin the process of observing your interactions. Observing your thoughts. Where are they coming from? Here you can become aware of what and where you are responsible. You can learn to see objectively the hand each person is playing, while learning to see without judgment. It is through this process that we become more and more aware of where we have misplaced our power and begin the game of gathering it up. Winding up the loose ends that keep throwing us off balance each and every time we pass by. We keep what is useful for our growth and recovery, and what we have outgrown; we walk past, again without judgment. As judgment fades, the power of forgiveness grows. And we do it again… and again with diligence until all land minds have surfaced.
Now to be clear as you shift and change, so must your world. Clinging in fear is similar to you trying with all of your might to stop the merry-go-round with your foot. You are just wasting your energy. Your world has to shake a little to make room for the new game in town and that’s as it should be. With time, life begins to fit together in a whole new less binding way.
Life is a game. A game with many rounds and many hands within a round– all culminating in the final mastery of “choice”.
Making the choice to stop, look around and re-evaluate is the first choice on the road to a life of your own creation. A life constructed by conscious aware choices. I congratulate you on letting it seep in… You have so many choices. Scary and exciting choices but YOURS nonetheless.
Affirmation: Each choice made towards regaining my power moves me one step forward in the mastery of creation. Life!