Aren’t you tired? On the inside?

I think for so many of us we reach a point where tired wins and we are forced to stop running. Health issues begin to pile up. Fibromyalgia, Restless leg, Chronic Fatigue. Our version of happiness resides within the varying levels of depression… our natural state of being. Our life is constructed from a state of overwhelm. Often it’s all we can do to put one foot in front of the other. On other days, even this is too much. We are running on the inside… running on the outside. We pack our life full of actions and assumed duties. If we continue to move, we don’t have to deal with the boogie man that rides on our heels.

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What if in a weird twisted way the one chasing you… is You? Think about it. When we are running, we are only looking to the immediate future. The only question we are able to answer is … “Is it safe to put my foot down here?” We always intend to pick it right back up again, so the safety requirement is minimal. If we do look back it’s only in short, quick, glances. Then our eyes go quickly out front. The scenery is in constant motion… and it’s all moving too fast. We gain little insight into our struggles. We forget to stop and create a road map, which leaves us and anyone following in our footsteps vulnerable to falling into the same potholes, hitting the same road bumps, over and over again.

What if it is You?

For me, realizing this inner running was causing many of my problems was a huge turning point in my discovery and search for life.  Gaining the courage stop, turn around and look that wooly monster square in the eyes…. Well guess what? Standing in front of me, breathing hard, was just a young girl. Just the lonely, frightened, little girl I had left behind so many years before.

As I struggled to gain access, her eyes darted around, landing on mine for only a second then off again, much like a rabbit, ready to scurry off at the slightest provocation. I begin to chatter softly much as I would with a frightened animal in an attempt to gain her trust. As I circle around her, I take in her stance. She is slightly on her toes shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She’s fiddling with her clothes obviously uncomfortable in her skin.

My head is spinning. How can I claim to love children, mothered two of my own, while denying this little one I left behind so long ago?

The guilt and shame of this feels heavy so I make myself comfortable on the floor. My head droops and I begin to cry softly. In my turning and hiding from the pain, I denied her. I denied her in much the same way as my family denied her then and me now, as an adult. I wanted so desperately for those in my family circle to feel outrage and horror for the indiscretions that this child had to endure. I wanted them to fight for me. I wanted them to come out swinging in my defense. Yet… this grown up me was so self absorbed that I forgot about her. The fight became more about winning than about her acceptance.

She had risk so much to save me. She made way for the opportunity to create a life. Instead of life… Well I ran a marathon.

As the tears stream down my face, I can feel her begin to soften. After all she had endured, she still has the ability to feel compassion for me. She inches closer. Her jittery nerves are usurped by her need to comfort me. I feel her hand touch my shoulder. I dare not move with fear of frightening her away. My tears of shame turn to tears of Joy as I feel her head on my shoulder. I ask softly if it would be okay for me to give her a hug. Her nod was almost imperceptible. As I wrapped my arms around her, tears of relief began to course down her cheeks. Her body relaxed slowly as her tears turned to sobs. I held her… My body aching with compassion as I felt her tears turn to anger and surprisingly she pulls back and directs it full force at me.

Her most damning question… “Why did you sentence me to the land of the invisible?”

A flash of frustration crosses her face while the difficulty in processing her question is apparent in mine.

“If you won’t see me, then why would you expect anyone else to care enough to see me?” she says to me.

I encourage all that are embarking on the journey to find Life to give yourself the time to stop. Create a place that is consistent for your journeys. Inside, carve out a nice little corner somewhere. Surround yourself with all of your favorite things. Things that make you smile. Candles. Soft music. Bells. If you’re a nature person, go to your favorite spot. Sit quietly. Allow yourself to become absorbed in the sounds. Listen carefully to the many sounds of life moving around you. Allow yourself to become aware of the symphony. Find the melody in it all. Allow your mind to become absorbed into the instrument of its choice, be it the rustle of the leaves or the water splashing against the rocks. Allow yourself to become completely absorbed in the sound. It is as if all other sound slips away. You see yourself in your minds eye. Look down at your feet. Are they still? or are they moving? If they are still moving, I want you feel the soles of your feet against the ground. Feel the grass between your toes. Look down at your feet. Feet stopped… I want you to feel what that feels like. You can feel the molecules in your body begin to find their own space. Still looking at your feet, slowly begin to turn around with ease and grace. Curiosity replaces fear. You slowly lift your eyes. Before you, you see yourself at what ever age appears for you and with her,  your journey begins.

Affirmation: I See You!

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