Sexual violation is soul violation. It is the only crime in which one’s body gets broken into.
If someone breaks into your house and goes through all of your personal things… you would want to move to a new house, in a new neighborhood… as far away from the crime scene as possible.
When someone breaks into your body… there you are, carrying the crime scene with you wherever you go; for the rest of your life… no matter how far or how long you run.
Sexual violation is so normalized and minimized that the severity and complexity of its repercussions run the gamet of a lifetime.
Childhood sexual violation cannot be measured with an adult measuring stick.
So, let us be clear: the risk a person takes in releasing their experiences with the family are vast. They range from annihilation and exile, to resigning oneSelf to hanging out with the perpetrator and silencing the inner screams of frustration for the rest of one’s life…
Neither scenario works out for the innocent here. Fair?
The adult screams: Why would they choose HIM over me?
The forgotten child screams: I must not be important. She must know? Does she wonder where I am? Or does she know he is in my bed right now?
Let us also consider that nature has a humane opening to sexual experiences as we develop through puberty.
According to Ayurvedic medicine, the chakras develop in seven year increments. The sacral chakra, home to the sexual organs maturing at about age 14, coincidentally corresponds perfectly with nature’s evolution through puberty.
The undeveloped child’s being, when exposed to the complexity of a sexual interaction, is completely fragmentated.
There are no words logged away in their mental computer to vocalize it.
There are no pathways to process the scream in our heads as our bodies respond to the touch.
For example: What if you were three, entangled in a twisted triangle between your ”parents”… and YOU are the other woman.
Being the other woman as an adult is a lot to maneuver… But what if you were three or four?
For a mom in distress, the empty bed may mean a reprieve.
However, again, we remember… The child is three.
Not understanding why you feel like an outcast. You have no way of knowing why no one can look you in the eye.
The ones that are supposed to guard and protect you are instead the robbers of your innocence.
Coming forward to save other children… The young who may not have a voice, like ourSelves, are most often the driving motivator for sharing this information.
It may be too late for justice for oneSelf, but it is never too late to show up and choose what can be different today for another child. The innocence of a child is invaluable.
The bystander– those that look the other way to keep themSelves safe– become accomplices. Not only to this crime but to all the harm that may happen in the silence.
The novel thought is that this perpetrator has only had one victim.
Again, seldom. Once a taboo itch is scratched the acts often become bolder, more risky… just to see how much they can get by with.
The minimizing, supported by the measuring, is what elongates the recovery process for an adult victim of childhood sexual violation.
Most often the information starts rising when we are face to face with the possibility of our children, or the children of our siblings, becoming entangled in the cycle of abuse that once touched ourSelves.
How can we let these children be in the same room as the person that did that to me?
The words and actions of family members is the defining factor of how tomorrow plays out.
… Can I ever recover from all of this?
The answer is yes. We can move past the past violations. We can take action to ensure we are safe and will never have to interact with them again.
But what about you? The brothers and sisters? Mom? Dad?
What you do next is the defining factor in life moving forward, or going sideways for the victim.
You can have a redefined family or you can lose a valuable family member.
You get to choose.
To help reset the measuring stick over the severity of a victim’s experience:
Penetration is rare.
The average girth of a man’s erect penis is 4.59 inches. The average erect penis is 5.16 long.
That would be all of the way up into the chest cavity for a 3 year old.
“Children aged three to six years have a vaginal opening that measures 0.114173 to 0.051181102 inches.
The vaginal opening diameter tends to enlarge with age and to be larger in the supine knee-chest position than in the supine frog-leg position. An opening greater than 4mm (0.15748) was distinctly rare.”
Goff CW, Burke KR, Rickenback C, Buebendorf DP. Vaginal opening measurement in prepubertal girls. Am J Dis Child. 1989 Nov;143(11):1366-8. doi: 10.1001/archpedi.1989.02150230124040. PMID: 2816868.
It is pretty clear. A simple Google search would alleviate the measuring but… this is a common misconception I meet in my practice every day.
Intercourse is NOT the benchmark for harm to child victims.
There would be extensive, undeniable harm done to this child. This little human would quite possibly be so damaged that child-bearing would be impossible.
There would be blood.
There would be bruising.
There would be internal damage.
What is most common is inappropriate touch. Coercing the child into performing sexual acts, such as insertion of the penis into the child’s mouth or getting the child to stroke the penis.
This measuring stick is VICTIM SHAMING.
You are not God, Judge, or Jury.
The truth is: the measuring stick helps to alleviate the one who is holding it from needing to choose.
If you were in the car with your dad and he robbed a Breaktime…
- Would it matter how much money he took?
- Would you stay in the car?
- If you stay in the car, are you an accomplice?
The measuring stick conversation completely diminishes the victims’ experiences and creates a judgment of weakness in regard to the consequences and chaos that these invasions caused up until now, into adulthood.
The biggest fear of all when a victim stands at the precipice of release is the reaction of family members.
The victim of the invasion is not the destroyer of the family.
That happened a long time ago. Just because you did not see does not negate the fractures to family trust that were already splintering out.
Let’s be clear! In no way, EVER, is it the child’s fault that a grown human invades their body. In no way is it EVER ok to blame the victim for giving you the information necessary to keep your children safe.
Interacting with children sexually is wrong… always.
NO excuses. The next choice is yours!