Familial Loyalty to the Abuser Perpetuates Trauma - Cherie Doyen

Familial loyalty to the abuser perpetuates trauma and is the most extreme level of Victim Shaming there is!

He‘s HURT!

Familial loyalty to the abuser is an ongoing problem for so many of the world’s people and perpetuates trauma for the victim.

The lopsidedness of loyalty and alliance. So this man threw away his son and his son’s entire family because his daughter-in-law’s father was nice to him. 

What?

I hear this same story in many different formats on a daily basis in my practice.

As a result, people have to walk away from their mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers to be able to find peace. 

Family! Who’s side are you on?

This undeserved allegiance has to change for our world to be different.

1 in five of the worlds children are experiencing ignored abuse within their homes.

In an attempt to make someone hear me I said to my family… How about on my way into town I stop by the prison and pick up a child molester and bring them to family thanksgiving. Of course there was outrage!

What about forgiveness? He never did anything to you really? Right? He didn’t penetrate you Right? What about turning the other cheek?

Forgiveness should NEVER negate ones personal responsibility for their actions!

Nothing changed though. There was a child molester at our table every year.

He was nice to me. 

To everyone out there whose family is going through this turmoil… Ted Bundy was nice to a lot of people. 

Just because he was nice to you does not negate the fact that he murdered all of those women.

Nice is like the icing on a cake. It’s often masking the flaws in the cake.

You were duped. 

My protest of the friendly involvement of my family with the uncle that molested me was met with… He didn’t do that to me. I don’t want to loose the rest of his family. What he did to you wasn’t that bad. Right?

What is that? Either I don’t believe you or it doesn’t matter to me. 

The blind lopsided alliance perpetuates abuse!!!

Hear me!

When we are cutting the victim out of the family and retaining the abuser what message does that deliver?

Now the craziest part is for many the abuse can be wide out in the open. Why can’t you just get over it? Can’t you just move on now?

Here is what I’d like to say to this… If a woman was raped by a stranger would we be telling her to get over it? Would we be sweeping it under the rug and inviting her rapist to hang out? Is his friendship more important than the damage that he caused to someone you claim to love?

OR would we honor her? In real life it seems everyone would be terrified to have this man around our other family members?

In cases of sexual trauma wouldn’t it make sense to be worried about all of the other children that this human would come in contact with?

Not so often. In many cases the families blind spot leaves the rest of the worlds children at risk.

Often instead the focus is on the ideal of the ruination of a “good man’s name”. 

This way of thinking has got to change!

The after effects of ongoing familial loyalty to the abuser perpetuates the abuse and sometimes outweighs the actual affects of the trauma.

I see it day in and day out. 

How do you rectify the reality of your mom or your dad telling you that your experiences were completely unimportant?

Can you imagine knowing that what someone did to you carries less weight than the potential consequences  that will come to the abuser? And I’m not talking legal – I’m talking life, family exile or word getting out in the community…

The support of family supercharges recovery. To know that you have a tribe that supports you and sends the abuser into exile instead and holds you close. What a gift.

Familial support goes a long way in ones ability to move out of the patterns of suffering! 

We learn in kindergarten that behaviors have consequences.

This knowledge is in big part what shapes our growth and our ability to make wiser choices.

We know this. Yet the abuser most often experiences very little in the line of consequences. So what does he do but move on to the next victim? 

Oh, that’s just Uncle Clarence steer clear of him… with a chuckle. 

Rewarded behaviors continue. That’s human nature.

In reality, the man holding court for her abuser and giving up his son’s family is causing abuse himSelf.

This lopsided familial loyalty to the abuser traps the victim in a very twisted mind game. Self doubt begins to arise. Either she down plays what this person did to her or she stands alone against all that she knows and loves.

Not only is the woman dealing with the idea that her dad nor her father-in-law’s allegiance is with her AND on a primal level she’s realizing that neither of them REALLY find a problem with what her brother did to her. 

For this woman, all ideas of family have exploded AND she is now feeling responsible for the crumble of her husband’s family as well.

Let’s send big praise out to the son for standing by his wife… 

NO MATTER WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!

We need more people to cross the line into right mindedness.