When we think in opposition, most of us think of hate riding on the opposite side of the love coin. When in reality, if we are in the energy at hate, love is still present. Hate always shows up standing beside love. It takes a lot of energy to hate. Backed up, pent up love, that has gone stagnant. Love that has had no means of expression, or was thrown back… rejected. This is a common phenomenon among those who have experienced some form of abuse, but can be true for anyone.
Fear on the other hand is the absence of love entirely. When we make choices from a fear based place, every thought winds up at our personal doorstep. We respond with the need to defend, dominate, control, or diminish ourselves or others…it’s steeped in fear. The story is concocted to hold our choices up as the only way to the truth. So many people don’t know how to handle fear…but fear is an illusion.
Each step we take that moves us out of love is motivated by fear in some shape or form. Yet underneath each fear, is a strand of truth that has become twisted and illusive. Each kernel of truth houses a forgotten, trapped, piece of you waiting to come home. We experience different traumas during the course of our lives. Traumas, abuse, neglect…they all turn love into fear.
As we awaken to our truth we not only observe ourselves and our choices. We also gain clarity around what structures are in place, and why they are there. What purpose are they serving in your life? Coming to this realization and understanding, is a breakthrough point for those people who have spent time in counseling. It’s a huge obstacle.
We adopt fearful structures societally. We plan for the day when we might be sick. We plan for the day when we might have a car wreck and hurt someone. We plan for the day when our home may be broken into. We plan for the day we might be mugged… guns… mace. Or our money might run out, or we lose our job. This is a pandemic in our world. Something that takes sometimes years of counseling for some, and for some who explore alternative routes, lots of learning self-love, and mindfulness.
So much harm is done in the righteousness of human godliness. We have been given the face of a God who punishes. We are frozen with fear of making the wrong choice. We have been given a list of sins. We have been programed that sex is bad. We have been told dancing is bad. We have been given a picture of a love that is conditional, versus a life made upon the consequences of our thoughts, words, and actions.
On top of the structures of society and religion, we have the imposed laws of family. Each family has their own set of right and wrong. The conditions that cause love to be revoked, or punished. We often spend a life time getting these childhood voices out of our heads with the realization that 99 percent of the rhetoric is illusion. These lines are even more blurred and confusing for those who have experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, or domestic abuse as a child. In fact, a good number of my coaching clients in Columbia, MO fall into this area.
We are taught to be nice. Nice is born out of a fear of rejection, and is based in lies. We justify that we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, when in reality when we back all of the way out, we are afraid of dealing with the reaction that might show up if we were to speak truth.
We are set up to fail.
So throughout our lives we build walls and more walls; labeled something contemporary like boundaries, until we are trapped deep inside a ginormous apartment complex. It is comprised of tiny small studio apartments. We are trying to find the light. No light enters these interior rooms. They are just walls… solid.
No matter what we choose to call them today, if we are building walls to keep someone out, these same walls have you trapped inside.
So as you see emotion creates isolation!
What about happy? What about joy?
Well happy has a beginning, and always has an end. Right? It appears around the edges of an event. It shows up with the fear of loss standing right beside it.
Even those that we choose to label as good, stand with the fear of it all being taken away.
Our stacks of money that we save just in case…we worry. What if?
Our amazing love adventure. Worry steps in and our happy turns into something else, right along with our conditional love. Right?
While joy is a state, it rides with us always. No matter what the conditions.
Emotion comes and goes.
When fear is present joy and magic… well they are not.
I am going to share something with you that I heard a while back…
Love, real love, is free of conditions. A mother can love her child deeply and feel disappointment at the same time. The love rides under the emotions that come and go as a parent. If we choose. Each time we tuck away an indiscretion, weighing it down with emotion, we step out of unconditional and into what the world labels as co-dependence. I prefer to say we step into the shadows of fear.
Relationships come with conditions.
Parent to child.
Husband to wife.
Boss to employee.
A leader to their people.
Written or unwritten, the conditions are there. In marriage we even write them down and sign the contract. Right? As a parent, a mother, we know that on the last day the question to us will be not what did you do? What did you accomplish?
BUT… What did you do with me?
We know when we make that choice that it is a lifetime choice. And we either choose to stand tall and show up with all we have, or we choose to find them… our charge… a burden.
We fear we won’t do it right. We show up afraid that they are smarter than us… that they are going to find out that we don’t know what we are doing. So we assert our power so that they will know, without a doubt, who’s boss.
That is not love… that is fear.
We choose relationships and accept behaviors based on what we have known “love” to look like.
So here is the cool part… today, in this very moment, you get to choose.
You get to choose what is acceptable to you. You get to choose what is in your best interest.
So… here is the plan!
- Speak your words. Holding your words back enables others to continue with undesirable behaviors. It’s also a passive aggressive place on your part. Swallowing your words, or speaking words that we feel are nice or expected, has us out of integrity. It leaves no opportunity for a different choice on the part of your counterpart.
- Make your choices. If you aren’t making your choices someone else is. This space also has the potential for victimhood. We have a platform for blame in all directions except for ourselves… but we must remember when we are pointing blame, one finger goes out and the rest point back at you.
- Be the one who is looking in the opposite direction from the masses… pssst… (they are just following what has always been. Nothing new and different shows up there.)
- Show your true colors. You came to this planet with exactly what was necessary to fulfill your contract for being here. You just got caught up in the sameness. Let your quirks shine. We need them. Look around. Be the one that stands out… leave the shades of gray for someone else.
- Acknowledge the magic that is at play in your life. We have a tendency, as humans, to explain away any and all things that have no logistical explanation. So instead, look up to the sky and say… thank you. Look for reasons. You have been glossing over the magic for a long time now. Pay attention. Where attention goes energy follows.
- Jump in the puddles no matter who is watching. Have fun. You were not created to suffer. This is a treasure hunt and the prize is you in your full glory. Magic included!
- Laugh out loud as much as possible. Laughter changes the molecules of every situation.
Each and every day we have the opportunity to evolve into something new and different. We grow and become exactly what the world needs to see. It’s all up to you!
Changing You Changes Everything!
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